coffeescript implementation, tested

coffee/smack-my-bitch-up.coffee

@@ -0,0 +1,23 @@
+sys = require 'util'
+exec = require('child_process').exec
+
+usr = process.env.USER
+
+reasons = [
+    'Working hard',
+    'Gotta ship this feature',
+    'Someone fucked the system again'
+]
+
+rand = (ary) ->
+    i = Math.floor Math.random() * ary.length
+    ary[i]
+
+child = exec 'whoami', (e, stdin) ->
+    if stdin.match new RegExp usr, 'i'
+        excuse = "Late at work. #{rand reasons}"
+        require('twilio')().sendSms
+            to: '+xxx' #her_num
+            from: '+xxx' #my_num
+            body: excuse
+            , (err) -> console.log if err then err else "EXCUSE: #{excuse}"